The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
