So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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