So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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