i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
