Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
