you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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