So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
