I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize