Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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