I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
