i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize