just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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