Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
