apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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