how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
