3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I faked an abortion last night.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
