I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
