he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
