We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
