just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
