one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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