so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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