why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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