He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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