Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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