Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
