At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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