she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
