I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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