im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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