is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
