Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
