You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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