mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The adults are the big ones right?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
