you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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