You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize