I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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