so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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