we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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