you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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