So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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