So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
