Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
