If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
