new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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