i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
