I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
