Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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