Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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