Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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