why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
