ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
