like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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