Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
