He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
we're so committed to being not committed
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
