Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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