3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
