I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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