I wish you could order shots online.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
